The best way to build self-esteem is to say kind things to yourself every day. This advice comes from Suzanne E. Harrill, author of “Empowering teens to build self-esteem.” Her book has pages of affirmations (positive thoughts) that you can say to yourself, whether you are a teenagers or an adult.
Actually, her advice is not new. About 90 years ago, one of the first proponents of a positive mental attitude (PMA) suggested saying to yourself, “Each and every day, I get better and better in every way.” It must work. Most self-help programs throughout the ages (decades, anyway) require PMA. It sures beats saying “I’m a loser” each morning.
Maybe it’s not as effective as having other people tell you how great you are, but no one can rely on praise from others. Don’t you love it when someone compliments you? Embarrassing sometimes, but welcome. So why not be generous and genuine about complimenting people you know deserve it? Too often, we think positive things about friends and family members but don’t tell them. Many of Suzanne Harrill’s affirmations can be directed to others as well as yourself.
People who tease, bully or ignore others because of their appearance should instead show compassion.
As difficult as it may seem, the people who are being teased, bullied or ignored should show compassion for their tormentors. Everyone–especially troublemakers–have troubles of their own, and if you knew what they were, you might understand their unkind behavior.
We all tend to be in our own worlds dealing with our own issues, but if we have compassion for others and let them know it, they appreciate it. Understanding, sympathizing and helping others can not only win their friendship, but reduce our concern for our own woes.
You don’t hear the word compassion very often. It’s the basis of the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” You don’t hear the golden rule very often either, but quess what? It is the central principle of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. For some reason, organized religion isn’t getting the word across.
Archbishop Desmond Tutu and religious writer Karen Armstrong have launched a global call to action for individuals and nations to exercise compassion. Read The Charter for Compassion. It makes sense, but don’t wait for everyone else to get on board.
My wife and I were having dinner with three other couples, all of us over the age of 50. The topic of advice versus constructive criticism came up, and I said no matter what you call it, when it is directed at me, I take it into consideration. They seemed surprised. I said I’m always trying to improve myself. One friend remarked, “When is it going to show?” We all laughed, and the topic changed.
Later, I wondered why they all thought my willingness to accept advice and criticism was strange. I’m guessing two reasons. First, many people don’t believe that self-help programs and books really work. Secondly, by a certain age, we are who we are, and to try to change is a sign of insecurity and lack of self-esteem. I disagree, and posted some thoughts on this in my April 30 blog, “Be Yourself. Bad advice?” What do you think?
My wife recently asked me to go with her to see ”Julie and Julia,” and I’m glad she did. It’s an excellent movie based on the book by Julie Powell who prepared every recipe in Julia Child’s cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Julia Child was a giant at six-feet-two with frizzy hair, an ordinary face, and a warbly voice–qualities not likely to bring her fame as an award-winning chef and TV personality. She not only had a passion for cooking, but a lust for life that made her cheerful and likable.
She was married to a shorter man who adored her. Her sister, who was even taller, also married a man much shorter.
Many celebrities lack Hollywood looks, but we begrudgingly credit their success to great talent, an exceptional personality, lucky breaks, or other factors that we don’t share. That doesn’ t mean we can’t succeed and find happiness in our own worlds. Biographies of famous people can still inspire us by showing us the qualities that contributed to their achievments, whether they include ambition, persistence, a can-do attittude, hard work, the willingness to take chances, or the nerve to ask for a job, a date, or the opportunity to try.
“Julie and Julia” is entertaining even if you only eat to live rather than live to eat. The personal stories of Julie Powell and Julia Child are both inspiring. If you watch the movie, pay attention to what makes them–and their husbands–appealing and admirable people.
When people try to act and look like others in order to fit in or be popular, someone motherly advises them to just be themselves. I get the point, but maybe just being yourself is an easy way to avoid making a few improvements. I think we all have a similar definition of a nice, likable person. Perhaps a person who has character, consideration, kindness, honesty, a sense of humor, and shows interest in other people and their activities. In other words, an assortment of any number of admirable qualities.
If each of us made a list of all the qualities we like to see in other people, how many of those qualities do we have ourselves?
I think everyone should strive to be a better person. We all have some shortcomings that we simply can’t change or fix, but in other areas we can do better. The purpose is not just to be better liked, but to like yourself as well.
This advice is a direct quote from John Cashmore, a man I interviewed for my book, “Facing the World.” What happened to prompt his comment? His wife of five years left him for another man. A good friend of his! Who he worked with! And still works with!
His painful experience added to his self-esteem issues resulting from the cleft palate he was born with. You can be sure he suffered emotional turmoil and humiliation, but he got over it, and good for him. Think of how miserable he would be today if he remained bitter.
John has a good attitude that doesn’t include self-pity. He is a caring person who has helped many people as a patrolman and as a volunteer in his community. It’s no wonder that he found another wife and a happy life.
