The editor of an interactive website asked me how women can build self-esteem during International Boost Self Esteem Month. (That’s February. Who knew?) I gave her the first five sugggestions that came to mind:
- Looking their best by being well-groomed and wearing nice clothes.
- Focusing on their strong points, such as a good disposition, brains, job performance.
- Recalling past achievements and pursing a new one.
- Going out of their way to do something for someone else.
- Recognizing that even self-confident people have moments of low self-esteem.
I discovered the website is for college girls. It’s very interesting, informative and helpful, but candidly discusses sexual matters, so I’m reluctant to provide the URL. If you want to know, send me your email address.
The best way to build self-esteem is to say kind things to yourself every day. This advice comes from Suzanne E. Harrill, author of “Empowering teens to build self-esteem.” Her book has pages of affirmations (positive thoughts) that you can say to yourself, whether you are a teenagers or an adult.
Actually, her advice is not new. About 90 years ago, one of the first proponents of a positive mental attitude (PMA) suggested saying to yourself, “Each and every day, I get better and better in every way.” It must work. Most self-help programs throughout the ages (decades, anyway) require PMA. It sures beats saying “I’m a loser” each morning.
Maybe it’s not as effective as having other people tell you how great you are, but no one can rely on praise from others. Don’t you love it when someone compliments you? Embarrassing sometimes, but welcome. So why not be generous and genuine about complimenting people you know deserve it? Too often, we think positive things about friends and family members but don’t tell them. Many of Suzanne Harrill’s affirmations can be directed to others as well as yourself.
People who tease, bully or ignore others because of their appearance should instead show compassion.
As difficult as it may seem, the people who are being teased, bullied or ignored should show compassion for their tormentors. Everyone–especially troublemakers–have troubles of their own, and if you knew what they were, you might understand their unkind behavior.
We all tend to be in our own worlds dealing with our own issues, but if we have compassion for others and let them know it, they appreciate it. Understanding, sympathizing and helping others can not only win their friendship, but reduce our concern for our own woes.
You don’t hear the word compassion very often. It’s the basis of the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” You don’t hear the golden rule very often either, but quess what? It is the central principle of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. For some reason, organized religion isn’t getting the word across.
Archbishop Desmond Tutu and religious writer Karen Armstrong have launched a global call to action for individuals and nations to exercise compassion. Read The Charter for Compassion. It makes sense, but don’t wait for everyone else to get on board.
Annie Fox is a former teacher who has dedicated herself to helping kids, tweens and teenagers enjoy their youth by dealing with the many issues they confront. On her website, www.anniefox.com, you can download one of her books, “The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating.” Regarding every young person’s concern about their looks, she advises, “Every time you have the urge to be self-critical about your face or body, remember your good points instead.”
I know it is hard for a guy to become confident when he thinks his best feature is his left ear, or for a girl to boast about her symmetrically arched eyebrows, but this really works. The trick is to think positively about your best features all the time, convincing yourself that your good parts are what everyone notices.
Annie Fox also suggests you be a role model by not openly criticizing yourself, and also by complimenting your friends on their appealing personality traits and their physical highlights. This is superb advice that benefits them and you. Doing so not only shows you have the admirable quality of self confidence about your own looks (even if you are sort of faking it), but also flatters your friends. They will like you more, and being liked will boost your own self-esteem.
The free downloaded book also covers relationships, sex, getting along with parents and siblings, resolving conflicts. It includes questions and answers, and references to other helpful books and websites. Check it out, and also visit http://blog.anniefox.com
Since my wife and I are heading to New York for the annual Book Expo America, I thought this would be a good time to mention some interesting books on beauty that I have been reading. However, most of them focus on the reality that looks do matter, with only a smattering of advice on how to overcome the bias.
Instead, below are four books for young adults that are far more helpful. I have not yet read them all, so I will review them one at a time later.
“Thirteen Reasons Why,” a best-selling young adult novel by Jay Asher. This one I have read, and it is an interesting tale of a young girl who commits suicide and leaves more than just a note explaining why. A variety of cruel acts and thoughtless slights from different classmates make readers realize the potential tragic results of teasing, starting rumors, and simply being insensitive.
“My feet aren’t Ugly,” by Debra Beck, a girl’s guide to loving herself from the inside out. Includes some illustrations and pages for journaling.
“You’d be so pretty if…” by Dara Chadwick. The author grew up listening to her mother bemoan the shape of her eyes, her thighs, and everything in between. She tells mothers how to avoid conditioning their daughters with bad body images.
“Empowering Teens to Build Self-Esteem,” by Suzanne E. Harrill. Written in 1993, but a fourth printing in 2007. It’s an easy-to-read 79-page book for adolescents, but also written for parents teachers, and counselors.
Most kids who are bullied have some sort of physical shortcoming or unusual appearance.
Boys who bully do so in a physical way. Girls bully by starting rumors or through other devious acts. One reason is that girls’ frontal lobes develop faster, equipping them to think of ways to hurt others emotionally.
Kids who bully do so because it gives them power and, in some circles, social status. They are often bullied themselves by a parent, step-parent, foster parent, or older sibling.
Student leaders and popular kids can reduce or end bullying by telling the ringleaders to back off. They often don’t out of fear that their own social status will be at risk.
Getting students to be aware of the problems with bullying has some impact initially, but as anti-bullying programs continue, kids find them trite and routine. It has to do with the small universe of thought that they live in, which adults have trouble influencing.
There are many facets to these statements, which summarize a conversation I had today with Bob Patterson, a former training director for Discovery Communications who has spent decades working with teenagers and their issues.
An excellent website about bullying, www.stopbullyingnow.com, states that bullying youth are five times as likely to become adult criminals as non-bullies.
Several people I interviewed for my book “Facing the World” know what became of their primary tormentors. One spent time in a mental hospital. A mean girl lost her scholarship after starting a fight, never went to college, and at age 23 was working as a cashier in a gas station.
Justice? One person told me he was bullied in middle school by someone who would chase him, knock him down, and kick him. Strangely, another bully did the same thing when he was in high school. Now get this: years later, one of them had his leg amputated, and the other is in a wheelchair.
I plan to do some research on what becomes of bullies. On the positive side, do some of them become brave soldiers? Or tough and effective police officers? If anyone has statistics or a story, let me know.
The people I have interviewed so far for my new book, “Facing the World,” all had a tough time in school because of their appearance–such as buck teeth, acne and acne scars, overweight, tall and skinny girls, short boys, skin problems, nerdy looking, etc. Interestingly, they dealt with abuse from other kids in different ways, and eventually developed self-esteem, found love, and did okay as adults.
It is distressing to learn how some people were mistreated by their peers, and disappointing that no one defended them or stood up for them. Lots of reasons for that, but I just wish parents had instilled in their children the importance of never picking on other kids and not being afraid to tell others to back off. Every school has leaders and students who are admired. They have influence, and they should be the ones to put an end to teasing and bullying.
